I've just been going on about love being expansive and inclusive. That's obviously not quite right if not entirely wrong. We have an instinct for exclusivity; so there must be reasons. The universe punishes errors with extinction.
So why is exclusivity ever beneficial? Take marriage, probably the most exclusive of relationships. Exclusivity provides benefits:
-reduces the spread of disease
-increases trust, stability, resilience
-concentrates attention and effort
-avoids the trauma of broken trust
-avoids the adaptive cost of new relationships
-facilitates specialization and efficiency
-feels right because of the rush of oxytocin
-I'm sure there's more
Exclusive love has its place, but some tension between exclusiveness and expansiveness applies to other relationships. As a child matures, the bond between mother and child is stretched to include the family, playmates, romantic partner, in-laws, the tribe, the world. That is as it should be, even though the expansion of love weakens bonds of closer affinity. Mum's job is to nurture and then let go while remaining ready to help when there's trouble.
At its best, mutual and generous love generates a benign excess of good will that infuses other relationships. Being nurtured in mutual affection prepares a child to be a loving partner and parent. Then having loved a child to maturity, how can we parents neglect others beyond the family? It takes a village to raise the children. It takes an alliance to secure a nation's peace. It takes a world to sustain life of any sort. Selfishness, separatism, racism, nationalism, xenophobia, anthropocentrism, exclusive love in the absence of a balancing expansive love will consume what supports us. Love your neighbor as yourself, or prepare to fight and sometimes lose. That's how it works.What is love?
What should we love?
Is love ever wrong?
Next: Is there more to the mystery?
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